Click on Facebook or Twitter and you will see the following in some shape or form, “Happy Thanksgiving!!! I’m so thankful for my family and friends. #Blessed! LOL!”
You look, it’s there. I might have over exaggerated a tad, but you know exactly what I’m getting at. I love my family and friends as much as the next guy, probably more. If you disagree with that, I’ll fight you and I know I’ll win because my friends and family will back me up. They are that awesome.
Everyone is proclaiming their thankfulness, but here’s the deal, it’s not what they are truly thankful for. I’m right and you know it. I mean if you put me in a room by myself, I’m still probably not the smartest man in the room, but I got this one down.
Here are the top things you and your friends are truly thankful for but don’t have the balls to say it (and why I’m thankful for it):
Social Media – Dear God, I love Twitter. If I don’t want to, I never have to watch another episode of the news, because it is all right there in the palm of my hand and I have it all tailored to my interests. Facebook and I have had our disagreements, but we all use it to see whose gained weight and for that all important relationship status. Instagram in the summer, guys know what I’m talking about.
iPhone/Cell Phone/Music Player – If I didn’t have my iPhone, I might have to actually have conversations with real people when I walk across campus, but if I throw in my earbuds it’s just me and Bruce Springsteen until the teacher starts yapping. This goes for all the distractions phones bring us, phones get us out of talking to other humans and we hate talking to people in person.
Bad Weather – Every once in a while, you actually have to have a conversation with one of those damned humans that you don’t really know. You have to be thankful for bad weather because it is the one conversational crutch that we all use. You may start off your weather conversation with how beautiful it is outside, but it will soon turn into that big ol’ storm coming in this weekend.
Sports – Another conversational crutch that is so enjoyable to the ones who actually know about sports. Sit in a public space and listen to two people talk about sports and just laugh at how they don’t know anything about their ‘favorite’ team. Ladies, you have used sports to talk to almost every hottie you’ve ever talked to. Admit it.
Internet Videos – Be it cat videos, music videos or pornography, we all watch videos on the internet, some categories more than others. They distract us, entertain us, or make us happy. If you really liked it, you watch it again and can feel the same emotion.
Swearing – We are not saints on this world. 99 percent of us let these bad words fly multiple times a day, to the extent that we could make it into an art form. We are so thankful for these words that it’s almost funny to think about. Let’s face it, your favorite football team missing an extra point is no better summed up then by the f-bomb.
Junk Food – We hate that we love it, but we all love it. That’s why we eat it. It’s so damn tasty, but it makes us fat. It’s a double-edged sword, but Pringles is still in business so we must still be eating them.
Netflix – I know I already hit on internet videos, but Netflix deserves to be in its own little category. Netflix is like our DVRs on steroids. You want to watch all 11 seasons of Cheers in one weekend? You can do it! Seriously, what would you do without Netflix when you can’t fall asleep? Those episodes of Always Sunny in Philadelphia aren’t going to watch themselves! If you don’t have Netflix or don’t already steal it from someone who does, be thankful that I told you about the service.
Microwave – Go to your fridge. See your leftovers? What are you going to do with those? Microwave them! We are all thankful for our microwaves, because reheating stuff would be so much more of a hassle without them. At that rate you might as well make a full-fledged meal. Best of all, microwaves allow you to basically never make that full-fledged meal to begin with!
Idiots – They are annoying as hell, but they make life so interesting. Every day the news talks about idiots or we talk to our friends about this idiot we saw or we tell our friends how much of an idiot they are. Our world is full of idiots and I can’t thank them enough for being around. I’m thankful for being one.
Collin Kottke: All-Around Swell Guy 